How long does grief last?
When a loved one dies and we enter the wilderness of grief, our relationship to time often changes. In session, clients will often tell me: “It feels like forever since I last saw them… but it also feels like they died yesterday”.
Grief bends time. We may count the days, weeks and months since they died. We may feel relief when big grief dates are behind us while also wishing for time to stop pulling us forward and further away from their last moment here.
The question how long does grief last? is often asked with quiet desperation. Beneath it lies the longing for relief, the hope that one day, this aching absence will cease to shape our days. This question doesn’t have a clear answer (I know you might be disappointed to hear that) but here are some thoughts that might help.
The Myth of Closure
We live in a culture that loves resolution. We are taught that healing is synonymous with getting over, with reaching a place where loss no longer impacts us. But those who have lived with grief know: we do not "get over" the ones we love. Instead, we learn how to live alongside their absence. The grief does not end, but it changes. It shifts in shape, in weight, in texture. It moves from searing to soft, from consuming to companionable. To grieve is to develop an ongoing relationship with our loved one’s spirit & with their physical absence.
The Shape of Time in Grief
Grief is not linear. It is not a straight path that leads us predictably from pain to peace. Instead, it is cyclical, tidal. One day, we may feel steady. The next, the weather, a song, a date on the calendar pulls us under again. This is not a sign of failure. This is the nature of love after loss: it does not disappear, but it changes form.
Some people find that the sharpest edges of grief soften after months, others after years. Some wake up decades later and find themselves crying in the grocery store, surprised by the way memory can reanimate sorrow. There is no expiration date on missing someone.
The Integration of Loss
Rather than "ending," grief integrates. It weaves itself into our being, shaping who we become in its wake. Over time, we learn to carry it differently. We find ways to hold our love and longing in ways that do not crush us, but instead remind us of the depth of what we have known.
The real question is not when will my grief end? but rather how can I live with it?
How can I engage with it in meaningful ways?
How can I integrate this into who I am becoming?
Grief is the price of love, but it is also its continuation. It lasts as long as love does, which is to say: as long as we do. And while it may never leave entirely, it will soften and transform. There is always movement. No feeling is final.
P.S. Want to explore grief journalling? (it’s FREE!)
Writing through grief can help you put words to the complexity of this experience.
This helps you make sense of grief & allows for integration.
With love,
Marie